Every Summer Olympic “Sport” Degraded, Then Graded
I’ve had the olympics jammed down my throat for the better part of a week now and I figure it’s about time I put it in its place. It’s not just the idea of the olympics that are enraging, as NBC has had a major part in completely fucking up an already semi-tolerable event on its own. Want to see the olympics live? Sure, get in front of your TV at 8am and glory at the live results of Spain defend its gold in the dressing portion of the oh-so-fascinating equestrian event. That not your cup of tea? Then watch Michael Phelps go for yet another medal in a 12 hour time-delayed broadcast at 10PM. Just make sure you stay away from the news, ESPN, Twitter, the Internet, your television, friends with access to any of those things, or anyone that has any connection to any and all forms of technology. Just kill some time by locking yourself in your room and reading a nice book. Ridiculous. And let us not forget this timely segue, NBC. You nailed it.
And speaking of this Phelps kid, I keep hearing talk about how he’s the greatest olympian ever. Uh, hello? Ever hear of Jesse Owens? I’m pretty sure he took down Hitler and whole Nazi regime by single-handedly whooping the asses of all those crazy German bastards. Their egos were so shattered, they just gave up after that.
Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself. The bottom line: every time I flip through the channels, there’s an olympic event on (and it’s a lot of fucking channels – apparently NBC owns half of my fucking stations). If you only prefer to watch tape-delayed, primetime olympics, I’m pretty sure you only think that swimming and gymnastics are the only two olympic events. Well, you’re damn wrong. There’s actually a shit ton. But we rarely get to see them. Why? Well, because most of them suck. If they’d have kept the fight-to-the-death man vs. lion events of the good ol’ days, maybe people would be interested. With not much to choose from, you’ve got to be picky. And to make it easier for you I’ve broken down all the major events and given them a grade. With the grading scale based on 1-349 point system where the average point totals for all of the sub-events are divided by pi then placed in a bracket where 35-134 is a big pile of dog shit, .89-76 is fucking outstanding, and the rest is average. Got it? Lets get to it.
Archery: OK, we are off the a good start. Any event that includes weapons is OK in my book. It’s a shame they’re shooting at haystacks and paper bullseyes instead of live targets like endangered specicies or death row inmates. And they’re using arrows instead of bullets and automatic weapons. But then again, beggars can’t be choosers. Grade: B+
Badminton: Holy shit, this is an olympic event? I remember trying this in grade school during gym and thinking it was a shitty combination of tennis and volleyball, then not being able to stop laughing when I found out the the little birdie/ball thing was called a shuttlecock. It still makes me chuckle. Anyway, since tennis and volleyball are both olympic events, I see no reason for this bastardization of the two. Plus, it doesn’t even seem like it’d hurt getting nailed in the head with a fluffy shuttlecock as opposed to a tennis ball or volleyball (there’s got to be a better way to say that). Grade: F
Basketball: U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Finally. A real sport in the olympics. And one they actually let paid professionals play. Hells yes. Sign me up. Watching team USA play in the olympics is like watching the Harlem Globetrotters. These dudes make so much money and care so much more about the NBA than the olympics that it’s almost comical watching them humilate teams for fun en route to a sure-fire gold medal they’ll keep in their basement closet, next to all the free sneakers and hats they get. A medal which most other countries would die for (or pawn to feed their families or receieve medical care). Grade: A+
Beach Volleyball: Wait. So there’s regular volleyball AND beach volleyball? Isn’t beach volleyball just a way for douches on the beach to impress girls? Regular volleyball athletes must be pissed that this is now actually considered a legit olympic event. But I’m not going to lie, I don’t think I’ve ever stopped flipping through channels when I see regular volleyball on TV. However, womens beach volleyball? Yes, please. But since this year’s olympics are apparently being held in the cloud-covered arctic, all the women are covered in long spandex. Thanks, London. Grade: Women’s Beach Volleyball: A, Men’s Beach Volleyball: D
Boxing: Unless they can give me my long awaited Pacquiao-Mayweather fight, or Tyson in him prime, I’ll pass, thanks. I was intrigued for about 2 seconds, until I saw they were all amateurs and forced to wear that awful head gear. Why else do we watch boxing? To watch someone get pummeled in the head until their face swells to the point where they’re bleeding and can’t see. Why do you have to take that from us, olympics? Huh? Grade: D-
Canoe/Kayak: Another “holy shit, this is an actual event?” moment. Unless there fuckers have to set up camp and bear the elements Man vs. Wild style after each event, I’m not interested. The only fun I’ve had in a canoe was trying to tip over other canoers. Add that to the event and I’m listening. Grade: D
Cycling: The only reason I know that people over 16 actually ride bikes is because of Lance Armstrong. Don’t know why he rode, don’t know what his record is, don’t know what he’s up to these days now that he’s discovered automobiles. Don’t particularly care. But I am intrigued by the fact that BMX riding was recently introduced to the olympic games. That’s what the olympics need, is to get all X-Gamesy and shit and add a little more excitement to the events so it’s not just a bunch of spandex wearing cyclists going around a track in circles. Grade: F
Diving: I used to think I was the shit when I got into a pool with a diving board. Back flips, front flips, the goddamn jackknife. Then I saw some of these divers do about 300 flips and turns before splashing pencil-like into the water. Plus, watching the syncronized diving is like watching a replay at the same time. But what I’m really waiting for is a dive that has zero splash. None. They just get sucked right down into the water. That’d be awesome. Grade: C+
Equestrian: Can we just stop the pompous bullshit and call it horse riding? I’m not even calling it horse racing because they don’t even let the fuckers race, which is the only reason any human being or person with a gambling problem would go watch horses. Instead they have the events of jumping, dressing, and eventing. If someone can explain to me what the fuck dressing and eventing even consist of, I’d give it a shot. But not until the olympics let me put a few bucks down an a trifecta for gold, silver and bronze as these dainty ass horse race each other like real stallions. Grade: F
Fencing: Now this is more like it. Give two dudes a sword and let them jab the shit out of each other. Wait, what? They cover the tip with a round button? They swords aren’t even sharp? And the dudes are held back by a wire? And are covered by masks and suits? Oh, Jesus Christ. Way to take a cool event and make it boring and confusing. Grade: D
Field Hockey: Other than school, I can never remember hearing about, learning about, or conversating for one second about field hockey. In fact, I thought it was just a sport girls did in school just to be a part of something. Like, you know, if they didn’t make cheerleading or wanted to boost their “sports and activities” section of their college applications. Low and behold, it’s an olympic event. Unless these girls can check each other and break off a few fights mid-game like in real hockey, I’m not interested. Grade: D-
Gymnastics: This is by far the most popular part of the summer olympics. And that’s because gymnastics contains ever fucking event under the sun. I’m torn because there are some really cool events when they are showing the gymnastics portion of the games. But then I come to find out that fucking trampolining is a goddamn event in gymnastics. I didn’t know the sweet flips I did in my back yard when I was 12 would get me anywhere. Especially when i had a friend over and he’d double-bounce me so I fucking flew up so high I could see the top of my roof. That’s what they need. Trampolining doubles where they vault the fucking guy toward the ceiling. That’d make it way better. Other than that, gymnastics is tolerable. Until I starting thinking about how these in-shape, ripped gymnast dudes get way more girls than I do for doing the most unmanly “sport” in the entire world. Grade: B-
Handball: Huh? Is that like the international name for baseball? Kinda like the whole football-soccer thing? Wait, what? There’s no more baseball in the olympics? But there’s this shit? I don’t even know what the fuck handball is! Gimme a sec while I get my wikipedia on…So after a wikipedia search and a few YouTube videos later, I come to find out handball is just a bunch of dudes passing a seemingly soft ball around, then chucking it at a goal. Which apparently, the goaltender never stops, as the score of the YouTube video I watched was about 68-102. I used to play this game in school called suicide, where you and a bunch of other kids would throw a tennis ball at a wall and if it came to you and you misplayed it, you’d have to stand at the wall and get pegged. Loved that game. Kinda seemed similar. And I do love high scoring events. Hmmm, I think I may like this handball thing. Grade: B
Judo: Until no-holds barred MMA is an olympic event, I’ll never be satisfied. But judo at least wets the whistle. As a stupid America, I like the idea of MMA because I don’t have to know shit about any of the “mixed martial arts” the guys in the ring are actually doing, so long as they beat the piss out of each other. So I’ll be honest when I say I have no idea what separates judo from any other form of martial art. All I know is I like it. Grade: A-
Modern Pentathlon: Fuck to the yes. These people are bad ass. They’re not only doing the shit that most olympic watchers go nuts for: swimming, running, and riding, but then they bust out the guns AND fencing to prove that they’ll kick anyone’s ass. Or at least be able to get away from you regardless of obstacle. I always gave props to people who did any type of triathlon, so these guys get the utmost respect. Grade: A+
Rowing: Want to find someone who actually takes rowing seriously? Drive to where there’s water. Go to the rich part of town where people live on lakes or oceans, and head into the white-people exclusive yacht clubs and look for daddy’s “little sport” who practicing for his big high school crew race. Those are the dudes who row. Ever see the Facebook movie? Remember the two douchy twins who were arrogant, trust-fund baby assholes? Yea, they were rowers. Grade: F
Sailing: See above. Same idea. Grade: F
Shooting: Anyone who can snipe a bullseye from hundreds of meters away is cool in my book. Cause if not, that fucker can easily take me out. This is ‘Murica, and we love our right to bear arms and blow shit up. These are the badasses we are dealing with when it comes to shooting: “Right-handed Hungarian Karoly Takcaz, a member of the Hungary pistol-shooting team, had his shooting hand shattered by a grenade in 1938. After this setback he taught himself to shoot with his left, and 10 years later won the gold in the rapid-fire pistol event at the 1948 London Games.” Hell yea. Grade: A
Soccer/Football: No one from America gives a shit about soccer. And for a sport that no one really cares about and doesn’t get much play, I’m kind of getting sick of it. The World Cup, The Euro, MLS, EPL, and now the olympics. I can only pretend to give a shit about soccer for one of these things, and I chose the World Cup. Grade: F
Swimming: You see, the thing about swimmingMichaelPhelps, is that there are so many eventsMichaelPhelps, that you may be able to have some parityMichaelPhelpsand get to see some freshMichaelPhelpstalent. Swimming can be very physically drainingMichaelPhel–Oh, goddamnit. If I have to hear about or see this beaker-from-the-muppets-looking motherfucker one more time, I’m going to lose itMichaelPhelps. Grade: Micahel “F”elps.
Synchronized Swimming: If Michael Phelps had a twin, I’m sure he’d be in this event too. Either way, dancing around in a pool does nothing for me. Grade: F
Table Tennis: You mean ping pong? There was a ping pong table in the basement of my grandparent’s house. My grandfather would play with me and we’d softly tap the ball over the net a few times until someone inevitably fucked it up. Then I saw Forrest Gump. Holy shit, they hit that ping pong hard as hell. It is kind of cool watching people just waving their arms back and forth while destroying a ping pong. Grade: B-
Taekwondo: I’m going to revert to my stance on Judo here and reaffirm that I don’t know shit about taekwondo and have no idea what separates it from judo, karate, or any other martial art for that matter. Does it including people punching and kicking each other? Yes. Count me in. Until MMA gets here. Grade: A-
Tennis: Americans suck at tennis these days. Who’s our face of tennis? Andy Roddick. He’s fucking terrible. A half-blind 90-year-old could beat that washed up piece of shit. And to think he was number 1 in the world at one point. Was that a fluke? I don’t pay much attention to tennis regularly, let alone at the olympics, but whenever I hear of a tennis tournament on SportsCenter, it seems to always start with the line “Roddick eliminated in the first round.” How an ass-hat like him got Brooklyn Decker is fucking beyond me. Until she leaves that douche crying in his his tennis shorts, I’ll pass. Grade: D-
Track and Field: Like gymnastics, there are a shit ton of track and field events. And most of them aren’t bad. Running can get kind of old, but holy shit is Usain Bolt fucking fast. Screw his racing against people. Dude needs to out run an cheetah or some shit for his life. Bet he’d still win. Then kill the cheetah and feed it to his family. Couple Bolt with all of the other cool track and field shit that involves straight manly, barbaric feats of strength (discus, shot put, javelin, hammer, pole vault), it’s pretty goddamn badass. Grade: A+
Triathlon: Basically, take all of the cool shit out of the pentathlon (shooting and fencing), and you’ve got the triathlon. It’s like taking Alec Baldwin and replacing him with Billy. We know you are a less cool, weaker version! I guess the process for finding athletes for the triathlon is pretty easy. “Oh, you can’t shoot a gun or fight with a sword for the pentathlon, but you can still run, bike, and swim? Triathlon it is.” Grade: C-
Volleyball: Like I said before, I can’t believe they have two separate volleyball events. One inside and one on the beach. It’s like having a different event for basketball games on a court or on blacktop. It’s fucking stupid. Now, with that being said, beach volleyball blows away indoor volleyball (but that’s mostly because of the girls – plus it’s kind of funny when they eat an assload of sand). So I guess some credit must be given to the originator. But it’s still pretty boring. Grade: D
Waterpolo: Oh, c’mon, man. Seriously? You know what I’d like to see instead: Olympic Marco Polo. Just a bunch of dudes in a huge pool that take turns closing their eyes and chasing people down with their eyes closed going “Marco…” until the last man is standing. Instead we’ve got a bunch guys throwing around a volleyball in a pool while wearing a swim cap. Really? A swim cap? You need to cut down on that water resistance while you bob up and down, flailing your arms to the guy with the ball going, “Hey! Hey, man, I’m open! I’m open!” No thanks. Grade: F
Weightlifting: I still want to see Arnold Schwarzenegger take a shot at hoisting the olympic iron once again. Dude was a chiseled beast. Pure, old-school strength. It ruled. But what do we see now? It’s all a bunch a fucking fat people! What happened to hugely muscular, steriod-addled rage machines that screamed when they drove 9,000 pounds over their heads? Did you know starting center for the Jets, Nick Manigold’s sister is a goddamn olympic weightlifter? Have you seen a picture of her? NO, NO, don’t google it! It’ll be too much to handle. Let’s just say, she looks like she practiced for the event by devouring some of those olympic weights to carry around in her gut. Grade: C+
Wrestling: I’m sorry. You still can’t say wrestling to me without me trying to rip my shirt in half, Hulk-style, while yelling “You got it, brother!” I mean, up until about a few years ago, that’s the only version of wrestling I thought existed. Come to find out, dudes put on spandex onesies, roll around on a mat, and far-too-frequently get a face-full of crotch. If I could take back knowing this knowledge and go back to thinking the WWF was only true form of wrestling, I would. Grade: F
Well, folks, there you have it. I must say, there are waaaaay too many olympic events. Holy hell, I got way in over my head with this one. Note to self: any article that takes you more than 15 minutes to write (let alone three fucking parts), is a waste of time. I’m pretty sure any reader who even gave this a shot stopped about the time I called Lance Armstrong a pussy. Oh well. Hope you had fun.
And remember: When it comes down to it: the olympics are not that good.